Fw: TIPS FOR REDNECKS - Inbox - Yahoo! Mail

Subject: TIPS FOR REDNECKS

 

 

  
 

 

General

Never take a beer to a job interview. Always identify people in your
yard before shooting at them. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to
church. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
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Dining Out

When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine. If drinking directly
from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
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Entertaining in your home

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how
good his manners are.
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Personal Hygiene

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys. Proper use of toiletries can
forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone,
deodorant is a waste of good money. Dirt and grease under the
fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's
jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
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Dating (outside the family)

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. Be
aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out
with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is
the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
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Theater Etiquette

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the
screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
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Weddings

Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. Kissing the
bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. For the groom, at least,
rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt
can create a tacky appearance. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks
and shoes for this special occasion.
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Driving Etiquette

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded,
and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle
with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another
car using panty hose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road
with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. Do not lay
rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

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